Mysteries in History, with your host, Peter Graves.
Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence...
...a quasi-government agency, the Men in Black...
...supposedly carries out operations here on Earth...
...in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies.
Here is one of their stories that "never happened"...
...from one of their files that doesn't exist.
1978. The leaders of Zartha flee their planet...
...in order to escape the clutches of the evil Kylothian, Serleena.
Arriving on Earth, the Zarthans bring with them their greatest treasure:
The Light of Zartha, a cosmic force so powerful...
...that in the wrong hands it could lead to the annihilation of Zartha.
The Zarthans' princess, Lauranna, beseeched the Men in Black...
...to hide the Light from Serleena.
But they had no choice.
Intervention would have meant the destruction of the Earth.
However, in an act of galactic bravery, the Men in Black subdued Serleena...
...allowing the Zarthans to escape...
...so they might hide the Light on another planet.
Serleena, released from her captors, vowed that the Light would be hers...
...and that she would destroy any planet that stood in her way.
And so, never knowing what happened...
...the people of Earth were saved by a secret society of protectors...
...known as the Men in Black.
Harvey!
Harvey, get over here!
Harvey. Heel, heel!
You're barking at the moon, moron.
Harvey. Harvey!
Hey, pretty lady.
You taste good.
Hey, what the...?
Yeah, you too.
Nothing fancy, no heroics. By the book.
Got it. Hey!
Hey, Jeff. What's happening, buddy?
- We were wondering why you're here. - The man's talking to you.
You know our arrangements. Stay in the E, F and R subway lines...
...and you get all the garbage you want.
What the hell are you doing here, worm boy?
Tee.
Jeff...
Excuse my partner. He's new and he's...
...kind of stupid.
You getting big, Jeff. Boy, what you been eating?
You like jokes, huh?
Jeffrey!
All right.
Sweet dreams, big boy.
Sweet dreams...
...big boy.
Transit authority. Move to the forward car.
We got a bug in the electrical system.
People! We got a bug in the electrical system!
Now y'all running?
No, no, no! Sit down!
It's only a 600-foot worm.
- Everybody out. - Put the hammer down on this thing.
I'm Captain Larry Bridgewater. I decide what happens.
You decide? Okay, come here. Come here.
Larry? That's my man, Jeff.
- Larry just made a decision. - Larry need to take his ass in there.
Don't make me do this, Jeff!
Eighty-first Street.
Just a second.
May I have your attention, please?
We thank you for participating in our drill.
Had this been an emergency, you'd have been eaten.
Because you don't listen. You're ignorant.
How a man gonna bash through...? That's the problem with New Yorkers.
"We've seen it all. A 600-foot worm! Save us, Mr. Black Man!"
I ask you nice, "Move to the next car." You just sit there like...
Thank you for participating.
Hopefully, you enjoyed our smaller, energy-efficient subway cars.
Watch your step. You will have a nice evening.
I need a cleanup crew at 81st and Central Park West.
Revoke Jeff's movement privileges.
Have him escorted to the Chamber Street station.
And please check the expiration date on the unipod worm tranquilizers.
Sorry, fellas. Station closed.
- Emergency drill. For your safety. - Do you believe these putzes?
You're welcome.
I know, by the book.
Tee, when was the last time we just looked at the stars?
This is a test. I can do this.
Ever feel like you're alone in the universe?
Yes.
No.
- Hey, let me buy you a piece of pie. - Really?
Thanks.
Hey, you're not alone in the universe.
- Remove the arm. - Okay.
Please, shut up, Charlie.
I'm tired of you constantly talking behind my back.
You meet a girl. She's into it. The best line you come up with is:
"Wanna come back to my place for some tonsil hockey and egg salad?"
- Who are you and how'd you get in here? - You like egg salad?
Serleena!
Why didn't you say it was you?
- Where's the Light? - Here's the deal.
You're looking for this Light. We found it.
You want it, it'll cost you 50 mill. Here's how it'll work. First...
Where is the Light?
We couldn't find it, but we found a guy who might know where it is.
He runs a pizza parlor on Spring Street.
Let's go. And wipe your nose, idiot.
- Good pie. - Yeah.
Crowded.
Well, they got good pie.
What is wrong with you?
- You're gonna neuralyze me. - No, I'm not.
You took me here so I wouldn't make a scene.
You making a scene.
Let me ask you a question. Why did you join MiB?
Six years in the Marines. I like the action. Protect the planet.
You like being a hero? You joined the wrong organization.
- You ever heard of James Edwards? - No.
Well, he saved the lives of 85 people on the subway tonight.
No one knows he exists.
And if no one knows he exists, how can anyone ever love him?
Hey, how long we been partners?
- Feb 1. - Five months, three days.
- Started at noon. - Nine hours.
Get married. Have a bunch of kids.
Okay.
Excuse me. My buddy's kind of shy, but he thinks you are hot.
Here it is.
I don't know what to say.
Years from now, you know what people'll say?
- "Employee" is misspelled? - They charge by the letter.
They'll say, "lmagine that. Big shot like her used to work here."
- Ben... - You deserve it.
Bring up a case of Mountain Dew from the basement.
Hey, Bruno.
Two slices of pepperoni and information about the Light of Zartha.
- Whoever you are, don't hurt me. - Where's the Light, Ben?
I don't know what you're talking about. Let me down, ma'am.
I want to report a robbery...
There.
Noise.
Kitchen!
You idiots see anything?
Wind blew the door open.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
For 25 years, I've traveled the universe looking for it.
But it never left Earth, did it? You kept it here.
What are you talking about?
I'm running out of time. Where's the Light?
- I don't know what you mean. - Listen, Zarthan.
You hid the Light on Earth. I'll find it.
Once we have the Light, Zartha will be ours.
You're too late. Tomorrow at midnight...
...the Light will leave the third planet and be back home.
Sorry you made the trip for nothing.
Now we don't know if it's on Earth or not.
He said third planet. It's here, you idiot.
- Third Rock from the Sun. - I never got that till now.
It's on Earth, and I know who's gonna tell me where it is.
- Don't you ever go home? - Nope.
I see you neuralyzed another partner.
Bee, Dee, when you use a fission carbonizer...
...attach a de-atomizer so it doesn't sound like a cannon.
Hey, get some booties on them things. You're crapping up the floor.
Check his visa.
The Cephalopods have been making counterfeits at Kinko's on Canal.
And why do I have a dead Tricrainasloph going through passport control?
That'd be my fault. I'm very sorry. Please don't neuralyze me, sir.
- What the hell's that supposed to mean? - Nothing, sir.
Good work in the subway.
- I remember Jeff when he was yea high. - What you got for me?
Look. See those guys in black suits?
- They work here. We got it covered. - Zed, what you got?
Dedication's one thing, but this job will eat you up and spit you out.
You want to look like me when you hit 50...
...ish?
I'll be in the gym if you need me.
All right, there was a killing earlier. 177 Spring.
Alien-on-alien.
Take Tee with you and make a report.
Tee. Right.
You have got to stop neuralyzing MiB personnel.
He was crying in the middle of the diner.
I hate that.
And plus, you can't count Elle.
She wanted to go back to the morgue. I helped her.
- You need a partner. - I'm cool.
I'll be his partner.
Jay, wait up. I appreciate the shot, man.
- Thought I'd never get out. - Lose the suit.
Sure thing. Just going for the look.
But if I say so myself, I find it slimming.
Not that I've had problems with the ladies.
When you get down to...
Nice sled, very swank.
Heated seats? Sometimes I get hives.
Frank!
Bring your head in this window before I roll it up in there.
Got it.
Frank!
My money? It's missionary.
I was in the Bowery, and I meet this Great Dane.
A little thick in the body, but pretty.
That's just not appealing to me, man. Seriously.
I say we do the good cop, bad cop thing.
You interrogate the witness and I growl.
How about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?
You got it, partner. Total silence.
Absolute quiet. Not a word out of me.
What do we got?
- What do we got? - There's residue on the wall.
- We sent samples to Em for analysis. - Hey, 0% body fat.
- Funny. - Witness?
Girl. Saw everything.
She's taking it well.
I won't answer any more questions. I want to know what happened here.
- I'll handle this one. - You got it.
Alone. A talking dog might be a bit much for her now.
What do you want me to do?
Sniff around.
What?
Funny.
Take a deep breath. Everything is all right.
What part is she supposed to feel all right about?
I'm Agent Jay.
Tell me what you saw.
- A two-headed guy and a woman. - Caucasian?
Gray, with tentacles that she used to rip...
His skin off.
It's not skin. It's protoplasma polymer similar to the gum in baseball cards.
- What was the last thing you ate? - Calzone.
- What time? - Lunch.
- Spinach? - Mushroom.
You need pie.
They kept asking Ben about a light.
You okay?
An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished...
...because of a woman with weird fingers...
...and a two-headed guy with a cannoli's IQ.
So yeah, everything's okay.
When we're kids, before we're taught how to think...
...our hearts tell us there is something else out there.
I know what I saw. Tell me what I'm supposed to believe.
I'm a member of a secret organization that monitors alien activity on Earth.
Ben was an alien. So were his killers.
I don't know why they did it, but I promise I'm gonna find out.
Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay.
- I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to... - Kill me.
No!
Just a little flash and everything goes back the way it was.
After you flash me...
...if I see you again, will I know it's you?
I'll see you.
But you won't see me.
Must be hard.
Must be very lonely.
Excuse me.
- I gotta go. - What about the flashy thing?
I'll flash you some other time.
What?
- Did you tell the girl you love her? - She's a witness to a crime. That's it.
You're attracted. She's not my species, and I'm attracted.
I should take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?
Easy, pal. That's canine profiling, and I resent it.
Hey, Jay, wait up.
Coming through. MiB brass. Look sharp.
I'm Agent Eff, Jay's new partner. Who are you eyeballing?
Frank, just cool out, dog.
- Got kids? - No.
Want them?
Get him off me!
- Talk to me. - It's Kylothian, class C.
Serleena.
- Serleena. Old girlfriend? - She wishes.
The perps were looking for the Light of...
- Zartha. - Yeah, what is it?
This makes no sense. It's not on Earth.
- We took care of this a long time ago. - Obviously not.
That is very bad news.
The Zarthans came to Earth to hide the Light from Serleena.
- We don't do that. - Right. I ordered it off the planet.
Well, Zed...
I got a Kylothian class C in my park. Are you sure this Light isn't here?
Positive. I gave the order. My best agent carried it out.
- It's as if I gave it to you. - Ask the agent.
- Can't. - Dead?
Sort of. He works at the post office.
No.
If Serleena gets to Kay before we do, he's dead.
The Earth's very existence may rest on what Kay knows.
Too bad you wiped out his memory of it.
Bring him in.
Now.
How cool is this? Going to get Kay. The legend, the go-to guy.
The guy who taught you everything.
- The greatest agent in MiB history! - Frank! Stop talking.
Stay.
Listen, partner. I may look like a dog...
...but I only play one here on Earth.
- Whatever. Wipe your mouth. - Hey, babe.
People of Truro, may I kindly have your attention?
To facilitate your shipping needs...
...all packages must be properly wrapped.
This one is an example of "go home and do it again."
I think you know what I mean, Mrs. Vigushin.
Brown paper and triple-twist twine are the preferred media.
Thank you for your time.
- Kay. - C. Express mail, two-day air.
Kevin.
Kevin. That's funny. You don't have a "Kevin"...
You don't remember. We worked together.
I never worked in a funeral home. Something I can do for you, slick?
Straight to the point.
You were an agent of an organization that monitors aliens on Earth.
We're the Men in Black. We have a situation. We need your help.
There is a free mental health clinic on the corner of Lilac.
- Next. - Excuse me.
- Twenty Rugrats stamps. - Elizabeth.
The Postal Service hasn't kept up with today's youth, but we have...
...Berlin airlift stamps. Opera legends?
American Samoa? Amish quilts.
I'm sorry, got a world to save here.
There was no coma. It was a cover.
- Who are you? - Who are you?
The postmaster of Truro, Massachusetts, and I'm ordering you to leave.
- Is that decaf? - Sorry.
We have a breach. Cordon off this area.
Full perimeter wipe-down, right here, right now.
Get a mop and escort all civilian personnel from this site immediately.
Listen to yourself, Kay. Who talks like that?
Why do you think you're so comfortable here?
Just about everybody who works in a post office is an alien.
No smoking.
Kay.
My wife and I saw Siegfried and Roy fly a tiger around a room.
You're nothing special.
When you look at the stars, you get a feeling...
...like you don't know who you are.
Like you know more about out there than you do down here.
That's why she left you, Kay. That's why your wife left you.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
You want to know who you really are, take a ride with me.
If not, people are waiting for their TV Guides.
Think he'll bite?
I'm just going for a ride. If things don't add up, it's hasta luego.
Hey, Kay.
How's it hanging?
Good to see you, Kay.
Good to see you too, whoever you are.
Well, let's see what you got here, chief.
Welcome back, Agent Kay.
Agent Kay.
Greetings, Kay.
Wow, look who's back.
I don't mean to bother you... You're Agent Kay!
- That's what they tell me. - This is an honor. Agent Gee.
The most respected agent in MiB history.
The most feared human in the universe.
Maybe I could buy you a cup of coffee?
- Black, two sugars, if you're going. - An honor.
- Yeah, I'll take a... My man? - Good to see you, Kay.
How'd it go?
The Drolacks are gone and the treaty is signed.
Good work.
What about that position you promised me in Men in Black?
Still working on the alien affirmative action program.
That's not what you promised me.
- You're breaking up. - Zed? Hello?
- I'll call you back. - I could be Agent Em. Zed, you...
I think Earth might be in a bad way. You're the only one that could save it.
- Well, neither rain, sleet, snow... - Good man.
Get him armed and up to speed and over to deneuralyzation.
- Frank? - Yeah?
I'm gonna need them together on this one.
I need an assistant. It's not field work, but you get dental.
Dental?
The most advanced technologies from all over the universe are in this room.
What's this?
All is lost! All is lost!
Don't touch that!
I didn't do anything.
Hands in your pockets.
Your favorite weapon.
- That? - Yep.
- Let's go put it on. - What?
The last suit you'll ever wear.
Again.
The deneuralyzer.
Magneto-energy will surge through your brain...
...unlocking information that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.
Okay. What's that thing?
The deneuralyzer.
Welcome to planet Earth. There are some rules and regulations.
Go out only at night.
If you must go out during the daylight, only the East Village.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Name and planet of origin?
Sylona Gorth. Planet Jorn. Kaluth system.
- Any fruits or vegetables? - Yeah, two heads of cabbage.
Reason for visit?
Education. I want to learn how to be an underwear model.
They told me I've got real potential.
Help! Heart attack!
Clear!
Wake up, champ!
- Oh, jeez. - Lockdown. Code 101.
Lockdown.
This is not good. This is not good.
- Breach! We're being flushed. - Flushed?
- Ever been to a water park? - I don't know.
Flushed.
Yeah, man, back when you was an agent, you loved getting flushed.
Yeah, every Saturday night, you'd be like, "Flush me, Jay. Flush me."
I'd be like, "No."
You can't quit on me.
I save the world, you tell me why I stare at the stars.
Cool.
- Hop in. - Hop in what?
Does that come standard?
It came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.
I could rule this place with the right set of mammary glands.
Trapped like rats...
...in a Chia Pet.
Computer, surveillance MiB.
MiB's locked down.
Computer, magnify. Times 10.
Communicator. Frank.
- Jay, where are you? - We got flushed.
- MiB's code 101. - Yeah, who did it?
Some hot-looking biker chick. Want me to tail her?
- Stay where you are. I'll be in touch. - Stay where I am. Easy for you to say.
- Find Kay? - Neuralyzed.
- Not active. Civilian. - What?
- He was... - Here.
- To get... - Deneuralyzed.
- Memory's shot. But we'll find him. - Don't put anything in our ears.
What?
What do you make of that? Found it in my pocket. Weird, huh?
- Yeah, a smile. - Is that the only deneuralyzer?
Officially. The plans leaked out on the Internet.
Computer, Internet.
Deneuralyzer.
Perfect. It's an old friend.
Jay, ain't seen you in a while.
Did you peep that drop-top thing out front?
My business is banging, dog.
You gotta check out the website. It's Jeebsie dot...
Okay, whoa. He's retired, right?
We need the deneuralyzer.
- You're kidding. - The meter's running, Jeebs.
Do you remember me?
Can't say I do. I'm good with faces.
I think I'd remember that.
The great Kay's a neutral.
You're between me and my memories. Do you have this deneuralyzer or not?
No.
Fresh out.
Can't help you.
Don't got it.
Even if I did, if it doesn't work, he dies, you blow my head off.
If it does, I've brought back Kay, who, for fun, blows my head off.
So, what's my incentive?
Okay, homey, I keep it downstairs next to the snow blowers.
Alien prisoners released, armed and ready for your orders.
Prisoners of MiB, the scum of the universe.
Now it's the scum's turn.
I'm in a jam, so I'll make this simple.
I need the Light of Zartha, and Kay knows where it is.
Whoever brings Kay to me gets Earth.
Find a deneuralyzer. They want his memory back.
Check.
Now.
Jarra, good to see you.
Okay, that should do it.
If I could have your attention while we go over the safety procedures.
Keep your hands inside the vehicle.
Lf, during the ride, you become disoriented...
...there's nothing we can do about it.
Have you removed all your jewelry?
- Are you allergic to shellfish? - Jeebs!
Right, then! Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Have you used this?
I used it to make some hot-air popcorn. That's about it.
Okay! Let's make it happen, cap'n!
Perfect.
- You're back. - No.
- How'd you know his head grows back? - It grows back?
Real nice. Okay, that's the last time I help out a friend.
- Kay, you remember anything? - Goodbye.
- Kay! - Kay, wait!
I never got the updated software. Still working off the 6.0.
Your brain needs to reboot.
Give it a minute.
Kay!
Bottom of my heart, I'm really sorry. I hope it won't affect our friendship.
All those years of loyalty and trust, respect for one another.
Right over there!
- Where's Kay? - He's not here! He went...
Kay's retired. I'm his trigger-happy replacement.
Right in the pie hole. Now nothing's gonna taste right.
- Lower your weapon. - No.
Jay, how are you, boo-boo?
- These guys really need Kay. - He's a neutral.
- Tell me something we don't know. - Yeah, tell me something...
I am so sorry.